


Secrets in the Mood Lighting.

by lifetheuniverseandeverything42



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Interfering TARDIS, Meddling TARDIS, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Thirteenth Doctor Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-15 15:31:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17531393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifetheuniverseandeverything42/pseuds/lifetheuniverseandeverything42
Summary: Beth thought she was alone, so she tried to cope as best she could. Then the Doctor came, and she wasn't alone any more. But she still had things to cope with, she still did the things she always did. But without the Doctor- how could she let the Doctor know, how could the Doctor ever understand. So in that way, Beth knew she would always be alone. Or at least she thought she knew, but the Doctor may have something to add on the subject.on hiatus





	1. Into the Blue Box

**Author's Note:**

> warnings for semi-graphic descriptions of self-harm, potentially suicidal thoughts and general mental health issues  
> adorable thirteenth doctor in full swing, complete with not-sure-what-to-do mode  
> title comes from the 13th's TARDIS interior - all those glowing crystal pillars

Beth POV

 I can't remember how I felt the first time I saw her. Mid stride, rushing past, dashing from one place to the another. So aglow with energy, pulsing with curiosity, radiating kindness. She seemed unreal. Not true, like a dream. Not a nightmare exactly, but not reality - or so I thought. There was something not quite right about her, of course I know now what that is. Even such an experienced traveller doesn't blend in as well as they hope, every time. It was the middle of the night, by all accounts no one should have been about. No one should have seen; seen her. But I did, I saw, I saw who she is. And I will never regret it, not as long as I live -however long that may be.

 She ran off around the corner and I followed her only to find a blue box, an old police phone box, I'm sure you know the type... Hesitant, not sure of my right but determined all the same; I put my hand up to the painted wood and pushed open the door. It wasn't locked, that door has never been locked for me, even though later I learned it should have been. I've often wondered if _she_ took pity on me that day and allowed me to meet an alien, the kindest alien there is.

As I entered all I saw was a flash of her coat, flared out and more orange than grey in the light of those pulsating crystals. It was bigger on the inside, how was that possible - ha! Like you don't already know. Not knowing quite what to do, feeling like I was trespassing in a secret world; I just stood there, frozen, mouth agape as I recall. Staring -hypnotised- at that huge central column, as it shifted up and down mesmerizingly. Eventually I think she returned, I don't remember exactly when; I must have been there for some time I reckon, before she reappeared in that central (control) room. She stood there: hands on hips, feet evenly spaced, glaring at the console in front of her. I was almost scared, in fact I started to slink away, intending to sneak off and forget all about it; when she must've caught sight of me in the corner of her eye. She visibly jumped, I remember the startled look on her face before it shifted into that awkward expression some people get when they think they've been caught out. I would've laughed, except she stormed over like she was in a terrible rage, brows furrowed and lips pressed into a line. As she reached me she started to speak - I think it was something along the lines of "What are you doing here" - but I flinched as her hand extended out to me. I didn't think she'd hit me, but I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I had already long since realised that I was dealing with the abnormal. As I ducked and backed away, she stopped abruptly, her long pale hand coming up to her face to cover her mouth.

 "Sorry" she breathed at last, I had to strain to hear her. "I didn't mean to scare you."

 "It's fine," I replied, just as softly, shaking my head, starting to inch backwards again as she stepped closer: "You didn't." a touch of steel crept into my voice.

 "You're shaking" she whispered, looking worriedly at my hands.

 "Am I?" I was surprised, "I didn't realize." Surprised she'd noticed, too.

 "Are you okay?" She really did look worried now, but why would she be? She didn't know me at all, and I had just entered uninvited into her 'blue box' and seen all its mysteries, what might she do to me for that - you'll have to forgive my fear, but look at it from my perspective, then, she seemed like an avenging angel: powerful, strong, capable... Kind?

 "Sure. Course, course I am." The words stumbled out after each other, nervous.

 "You're kinda pale, you want to sit down?" She had an accent that was pretty strong -northern, more northern than me.

 "I don't -" I did feel faint actually, the shaking was more noticeable now and I was beginning to hyperventilate. She definitely noticed.

 "Hey, hey, it's fine. It's okay. Just sit down now, just sit." She talked slowly, calmly -or more calmly- still seeming like she wanted to know what I was doing here, but putting it aside for now. I was very grateful.

 "I- I'll just go, leave you in peace." I mumbled, as she guided me to a wrought iron seat tucked away amongst those towering walls, to sit for a moment. Just for a moment - I told myself. The orange faded a little and her blonde hair seemed brighter for some reason. "I'm okay, I'm fine." I shook off her hands and backed away, shuffling along the seat. She sighed then, a little puff of air released in exasperation or perhaps pity; before she got up to crouch in front of my hunched body.

 "Listen, it's okay for you to be here, I don't mind, honest. " I looked at her sceptically, one eyebrow raised. She smiled slightly at that. "You can just sit here and calm down a bit. Yeah?" I wanted to scowl at her, to tell her I was fine. But she was just looking at me -so hopeful- with such a kindly expression on her face, that I just nodded. Resting my chin on my chest, I gazed at my hands lying numbly in my lap; jerking away slightly with surprise when she reached out to take them with her own strong hands. Then she began to talk...

 After that things eased off, she was kind (too kind for the likes of me), sweet and caring too. And as she talked, I learnt about her, who she was: an alien, time and space traveling adventurer/handy man (or woman), the great fixer of the universe. She continued to chat away, seemingly without pausing even to breathe; until long after I had completely recovered. Until I was answering back, asking questions, responding; until it was a conversation. Her volume had increased after every minute, I must add, so that by the time I was chatting with her she was bubbly and bouncy, instead of cautious and concerned.

 She asked if there was anything I'd like to see, and I had to reply: "I'd rather not, thanks, if it's all the same to you. I'd better be going actually." All lies I freely admit. She frowned then, a little disappointed, upset maybe, but I was so sure she'd get over it - rapidly.

 "Okay then, if it's what you want" And she reached out to pull me up, making contact with my arm instead of my hand. I winced, I couldn't help it, she caught me by suprise. But I carried on, stiffly walking over to the doorway, the growing sunlight bright after so long in that dark corner. Time had passed -big surprise- I hadn't realised how long I'd been here. I had to be at Uni early tomorrow, today.

 "Bye then," I turned back to her, not wanting to seem discourteous. She appeared puzzled, like she was trying to figure something out. Studying me like a microscope sample that she didn't understand. It made my skin crawl a little, but I tried not to let it show. I'm not sure I succeeded.

 "Bye." She was sad, that was painfully obviously. As I went to leave, opening the door and half stepping through to the pavement outside, I glanced back at her over my shoulder. She stood there, illuminated by the weak light of the sunrise flooding through the police box. She looked so alone. All alone. She looked how I felt. Sighing quietly to myself, I turned fully around to look her in the eye -she was about an inch taller than me- and said:

 "If you knew somewhere fascinating, somewhere amazing, that you thought I might be interested in seeing... Would you take me?" I had to ask, at the time I wasn't sure what her answer would be. I guess I thought she couldn't, or wouldn't, for whatever reason. But I wanted to know if possibly, I could go with her.

 "Yes." She stood straight now, not slightly slumped as she had before, not so weighed down. "Yes, I would take you." There was a sparkle in her eye, her face aglow with that same energy I'd spotted in her earlier, so long ago it seemed, now. That same look of someone who knew things, who'd seen things, which most people here, on this tiny planet, in this tiny part of the universe, would never, could never, comprehend. I wanted to know those things, I wanted to see those things. But what right did I have, I was nothing, I was nobody. Not next to her, not next to most others. Nobody special. Why should I be allowed to see something so so special?

 "Why me?" I had to ask her. "Why would you take me?"

 "Don't you want to go?" She questioned -like a child- her face frowning once again.

 "Yes," I admitted, so quietly I wasn't sure she'd heard me. But when I looked up she was grinning at me almost triumphantly. What was I thinking!?!

 "Come on then!" She whooped, plunging back into the ship - the TARDIS- she had called it, and beckoning me up to the controls. And I followed her, excited like she was: excited, nervous, anxious, eager. "How does Ancient Greece sound to you?" She asked shyly, looking sideways at me as I stood beside her. As I nodded timidly -though smiling a little- her grin broadened and she whirled around the console, to flick various switches and push various buttons, before circling back to stand next to me again, her hand resting on a large lever to my left.

 "We can be back and have missed no time here, right?" I just wanted to double check.

 "Yes, yes! The main advantage to having a time machine in your possession. We can go and stay away for as long as you like and I can get you home for breakfast." She urged excitedly: eyes shining, hair wild, and fingers flexing unconsciously against the controls, almost petting them lazily. As one would pet a cat. I grinned somewhat at the comparison.

 An then off we went, flying through space and time.  To Greece and the long past.

 "How did you know?" I asked her in wonder, staring out of the doors. "Greece, Ancient Greece. The one place I've always longed to go. How could you possibly know?" The likelihood is infinitesimal. I was amazed by the impossiblity of it all.

 "I caught a brief flash of thought earlier." She explained, grinning at me as she looked around. "And I've never been back this far in Greece."

 "You what?" I spun round to spit out my fear as words. "How you read my mind, how could do that!?!" I was terrified; and confused- if she knew, why hadn't she kicked me out already?

 "Technically." She replied slowly. At my incredulous expression she paused looking pained for a moment before trying to explain. "I'm a touch-telepath, I could read you mind I guess, but only whilst touching you -bare skin- when I was talking about travelling in the TARDIS earlier, I briefly caught your hand. I only saw a flash, I promise, the top layer of your thoughts if you like. Just a peek: a yearning to see Greece, in the _really_ olden days. And a fleeting thought about some book; then you pulled away..." She looked a little upset: guilty? Or remembering what else she saw? I wanted to relax, to be happy and peaceful here - in Ancient Greece! But my mind was already whirling at top speed, there was no stopping it now.

 "C- can we go back inside for a bit?" She'd come all this way for me, and now I was wanting to leave.

 "Yeah sure." She caught my gaze and continued, "It's okay, this is a lot to take in." She guided me back inside, and we both pretended I didn't notice the repeated glances she kept throwing in my direction, as I perched once again iby the central controls. "Do you want to go home?" She asked me, trying desperately to remain dispassionate - and failing miserably. "I could take you back to your time, back to England."

 "If you want me to go, that's fine. But you can just say it, don't beat around the proverbial bush; nobody else does." I muttered the last bit under my breath, but still she gasped a little, sucking in a rapid breath as she lifted my chin with one curled finger.

 "I do _not_ want you to go." She stated firmly, emphasising the 'not' with fervour. "But if you'd prefer to be back home, back to the norm; just say the word, okay?" Back in tender caring mode again, she reached out to pat my shoulder; both of us making sure we didn't touch with bare skin.

 "No, no! I don't want to go back." Awkwardly I exclaimed: inwardly muttering, 'What home, what home do I have there?' belatedly realising her other hand had come up to brush my hair back from my face -her touch gentle and calming, but bare skin. Her eyes widened as my flash of thought broke through, I pulled away swiftly, but her face had already settled into a serious mask. 'That's it,' I thought in despair, 'She knows, and now she's got to tell me to go'

 "You can stay as long as you want, you know." She whispered softly in my ear. I turned to face her, shocked; but she just smiled gently. Nodding her head so much a blonde lock slipped out from behind her ear.

 "Okay then," I replied, matter of factly. Desperately not allowing myself to cry. "I'll stay, as long as I'm not a bother," she opened her mouth to object, but I quickly carried on. "I'll stay..." Those final words quiet, soft and uncertain, but they drifted through the air all the same. She stood, leapt to her feet more like and offered me her hand. Feeling embarrassed I shook my head and got up unaided -alone- but she took it all in her stride. Just shrugging and dancing over to the console, the Doctor laughed a carefree laugh, madly dashing around the controls of her wonderful ship. I joined her there, laughing quietly beside her as she set the TARDIS in motion.

 "All of time and space," she spoke calmly, confidently, certain in her words and their meaning -I should like to speak more like that. "Where would you like to go?"

 


	2. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Doctor Who - just borrowing off the BBC.

Beth POV

We were off someplace; or just returning actually. We'd been to a planet called 'Hello' if I remember correctly. We were floating about in deep space: no place special, no time special. When it occurred to me that I could not have been the first.

"Doctor?" I called, catching her attention for a moment.

"Yeah Beth?" By that point I had actually told her my name. " What's the matter?" she asked me, coming over to squint at my face, "You look... troubled?"

"Wow, you're almost as good as me at recognising facial expressions." I told her, sarcasm flowing freely. "I'm just... Well,  puzzled."

"Close enough!" she cheered, clapping her hands like a child and spinning round; then she stopped celebrating for a moment and turned to face me again, looking curious - I think. "Puzzled?" she questioned, "About what?"

"Why did you let me stay?" I asked her simply, as she opened her mouth, indignation spreading across her face (like the sticky honey I once made her try on her toast), I hurriedly carried on. "Not after the 'accidental' mind-reading, but earlier, when you just found me there. You almost didn't seem surprised. I startled you, but it was almost like you expecting a different face. Or faces." I paused at that point; watching her bite her lip; in nervousness, I presume. "Oh come on," I continued, trying to lighten the heavy mood that had settled, if only a little. "You're over two thousand years old, surely I am not the only human-person you've taken along for the ride."

"No," she admitted quietly, not meeting my eyes, "You're not." Her shoulders sagged, she looked - weighed down. Again.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. Forget it, please." I beseeched her, reaching out to hesitantly touch her sleeve.

"No, no." She returned the gesture, briefly resting her strong, solid, graceful fingers on my shoulder; before striding away towards the central controls. "I don't mind, it's only fair that you should ask really." she hesitated, looking confused for a second as she turned back to face me. "So what exactly were you wondering about?"

"I'm in a time space ship, flying about the universe with a two-thousand-year-old time lady." I relied calmly, eventually letting a small grin settle on my face. "What would I _not_ be wondering about?" I strode towards her, as the TARDIS gave a soft whoosh sound around us - seemingly in agreement.

"Yeah, I suppose." she smiled then, only a little one, but a triumph in my opinion. "You have been the calmest. The most accepting. Out of... all of them." I felt like that was the only titbit I was going to get -for a time anyway- so I figured I might as well run with it...

"Well you did basically all of the explaining at the start. You ruined any later surprises: and any _jaw-dropping_ reveals of your own too." I teased her gently, before relenting. "Why was that?"

She through me a curious look, "So that was what you were wondering so much about?"

"Yeah." I admitted shyly, looking at the TARDIS floor - it suddenly seemed so very interesting.

"Hey," she lifted my chin with one crooked finger, meeting my gaze steadily. "I told you not to be so scared - not that you were _scared_!" she added condescendingly, as I began to protest. "Just... Oh you know what I meant. Don't." she finished firmly. "And for your information, I told you about myself to calm you; surely you realise that."

"Well, that wasn't actually my exact question." I responded cheekily, grinning a little. Just a smidge. "What I wanted to know, was why there were so many gaps." I quirked my head at her challengingly, "What -or rather should I say- _who_ , were you leaving out? _That_ is my question." I held her gaze steadily, with confidence almost. Until I realised just what I was doing, and lowered my head. "Oh, never mind."

But as I started to turn away, fully intending to leave the room (and hide someplace in the TARDIS, of course); she grasped my arm, tenderly almost, but tightly. "Beth." she whispered. "Beth, look at me." I shook my head, refusing to look at her and tried to pull away; she sighed and pulled me closer. Dragging me against her and into a tight hug she murmured "I'm sorry." in my ear.

"Sorry!" I exclaimed, my cry muffled against her shirt. I yanked away, "Why are _you_ sorry? I should never have said anything!”

“Why not?!?” she gasped, “Beth, you can ask me anything you like. Okay?” She held both my shoulders -unrelenting- until I offered her a small nod of submission. “Listen, I left them out because it hurts.”

“You don’t have to-“

“No, I think I do.” she insisted, and I fell back at the determination plain on her face. “Their stories, those times, they were good.” she paused, reflective. “But things don’t always end well, in fact hardly ever.” She looked down, eyes half filling with tears. “And even though their stories have ended, doesn’t mean mine has. I’m still here, still going; just without them. Without all of them. There have been… so many. I lost them. One after the other.” She sighs heavily, shoulders sagging as if pulled down by weights; then she blinks rapidly and puts her hand on my arm once more, looking up to my face. “I didn’t want to put you off, I didn’t want you to run away, or be scared of me and the things I’ve done.”

“But you told me about the battles, the Darleks and the Cybermen and the Master and Missy, and The Time War and defending earth time and _time_ again. If anything would scare me off, wouldn’t it be that?” I asked her gently, confused.

“But you do not know.” She reasoned, “So why would you presume that you _wouldn’t_ run?”

“I won't now.” I told her, certain in my words for once. “I would not leave you. Whatever may happen to me in the end, being with you has got to be worth it. And I’m sure -completely sure- that all those who have stood by your side before me, would say _exactly_ the same.”

"Maybe," she breathed quietly, almost as if she daren't admit it aloud.

"No," I cut her off, "Not maybe, if they ever knew you. They _would_ say the same thing."

"You know that's not necessarily a good thing." She told me, drifting into teacher mode unconsciously. "They might have thought that, some of them did as good as say it..."

"See!" I exclaimed, triumphant.

"But don't you get it!" She nearly screamed at me, "They all died!" She gulped air like a fish on dry land, as I stepped back -in shock- under the force of her words, and the pain behind them. "I lost them, they were _lost_.  Because of _me_. Because they could not leave. They died."

"I'm sorry." I whispered, stepping up beside her to curve my arms around her waist and hold her, like I was an anchor in a storm. "I'm so sorry. I _never_ wanted to see that- I'm sorry."

"See what?" She turned towards me, twisting her neck like an owl to face me.

"That hurting, that you keep locked away, that you bury and crush and hide. I never wanted to see it... Alive. Released. In control and in command. I _never_ wanted to see you hurt in that way. I'm _so_ sorry."I buried my face in her neck and let a few stray tears escape to trickle into her shirt.

"Hey, its not your fault. I'm alright, I'm okay." She mumbled to me softly, as we crumbled to the floor as one and curled together, half-sat-half-kneeling, as I steadfastly got myself under control.

 

 


End file.
